In 2017 Tim Ferris took to the TED stage and shared his insights on defining our fears instead of our goals. From the infamous red circle, Ferris talks us through his close call with suicide, his other mental health challenges and what he claims is his recipe for avoiding self-destruction.
Unpacking stoicism, he speaks about training ourselves to separate what we can control from what we cannot and the exercises to focus on the former to decrease emotional reactivity.
I have used Ferris’ Fear-Setting exercise a few times at key points in my life and have found the concept to be incredibly powerful. I am a planner and due to a range of reasons, most obviously due to trauma, I like to be in control. Visualising the worst-case scenarios in detail and mapping out the benefits of what could happen if I chose to act, or worse, chose inaction has helped me find the courage to move forward when faced with a significant case of decision paralysis.
Ferris explains the exercise easily in his talk, so I do recommend you watch it, but for the sake of supporting my community, I’ve prepared an easy Google Doc that you can download here so you can give it a go yourself.
Essentially it consists of three pages, each with a different purpose.
Page one, to put your fears under a microscope. Page two, to consider the potential benefits of taking action. Page three, to consider the consequences of inaction.
I last mapped out this exercise when facing the paralysing fear of self-publishing my memoir. Though the manuscript was ready for publication, and everyone in my team had worked hard to prepare it to be released I had to overcome the fear of putting myself and my lived experience out on public display.
Not only did I run the risk of significant public exposure, but I also knew that my relationships would be changed forever.
This fear-setting exercise, along with having a deep understanding of my values was the final green light to send my manuscript to the printers and begin what you now see as my life as an author and survivor advocate.
I honestly didn’t know what to expect, and if you had told me that I would now be a trauma survivor coach and breathwork facilitator I may not have believed you. However, what I did know is that the inaction and silence of not sharing my story would be detrimental to the survivor community.
I wrote my memoir so other survivors with stories similar to mine could feel less alone, this was the potential benefit I could clearly see and no amount of fear was great enough to silence me any longer.
Today, I am revisiting this fear-setting exercise. Because today I’m at the beginning of another big change. I have already begun the foundational work of launching INSupport Community, a new peer-support-focused business that I have created specifically for child sexual abuse survivors.
And if I’m being honest, I’m terrified.
This work is personal, and yet again I’m choosing to put myself and my story on the line to create a space for others to walk through the open door and find truth, power and connection.
What am I scared of? Getting it wrong.
It’s a high-stakes situation when you are working with people at their most vulnerable. I know, because I’m one of those people. Survivors deserve every opportunity to feel safe, nurtured and heard but these things can be nuanced and I may not always get it right.
So what is the potential of inaction?
Silence, helplessness and isolation all potentially could result in further trauma. I have felt those exact feelings in the lack of community and peer support for most of my life. And I don’t want survivors to continue to feel this way.
I know, that if I tread carefully, the potential benefits of taking action are endless. I know I can create a space that is filled with support, love and community where child sexual abuse survivors can find friendship with like-minded individuals who remind them that they are greater than the sum of their parts as they walk beside each other on their respective journeys of life beyond trauma.
So, here I am. Dancing with fear and trusting my courage to take the lead as I step forward and do the next hard thing.
As Ferris says, the biggest challenges will never be solved with comfortable conversations be it with myself or others. I’m up for the challenge and I hope you’ll join me.
If you’d like to learn more about INSupport Community or would like to register for our upcoming launch event give us a follow here on Instagram or subscribe to our newsletter to be the first to know when our doors open.
I look forward to welcoming you to this new space.
