For many, Father’s Day is a time of celebration, reflection, and gratitude. Social media fills with smiling family photos, brunches, and heartfelt tributes. But for survivors of child sexual abuse or childhood trauma, especially those estranged from family, this day can feel like a heavy shadow.
I know this feeling well. My father, my abuser, is not someone I celebrate. That estrangement is a choice that keeps me safe, but it also means Father’s Day can carry a mix of grief, anger, and loneliness. It’s not just about what I went through; it’s also about what I never had, the safety I was robbed of as a child. And the reminders of what was lost, the innocence that was stolen from me.
And yet, I also see the other side. My husband is a wonderful stepdad to our eldest and a loving father to our youngest. He, and many of the chosen safe men around me, are living proof that good men exist. Kind, nurturing, present, and safe men. On days like Father’s Day, holding both truths feels important: acknowledging the harm and heartbreak, while also making space for gratitude where love does exist.
If you’re reading this and feeling the weight of Father’s Day, please know you are not alone. Many of us, even those who do not resonate with the title of survivor, carry complicated emotions around days that are supposed to be “happy.” There is no right or wrong way to feel, and no rulebook for how to move through it.
Here are a few gentle practices that may help, ones that I will also put in place as Father’s Day draws near:
1. Give Yourself Permission
You don’t have to celebrate.
You don’t have to explain.
If ignoring the day completely is what feels kindest, that is valid.
2. Mindful Pause
Take five minutes, or more, just for yourself. Place a hand on your heart, close your eyes, and breathe deeply. Notice the sensations in your body. Can you send compassion to the parts of you that feel hurt, angry, or tender? Can you sit with it, instead of trying to push it away?
3. Journal Prompts
What feelings come up for me around Father’s Day, and what do they need from me?
How can I create my own meaning around this day that honours my truth?
How can I practice trauma-informed self-care when the day becomes difficult?
4. Lean Into Peer Support
Sometimes the hardest part of estrangement is the isolation. Connecting with others who understand, whether through survivor communities, support groups, or even just one trusted friend, can remind you that you don’t have to carry this weight alone. Healing is not meant to be done in silence.
While I don’t celebrate my father, I do choose to celebrate the men who embody the kind of love and safety every child deserves. My husband and the mentors, friends, and colleagues who show up with integrity. By shifting the focus, I remind myself that one person’s harm does not define all men and that goodness exists alongside the pain.
If Father’s Day is complicated for you, please remember: you are not broken for feeling this way. You are human. You are a survivor. You get to write your own story around this day.
And if you’re craving connection, know that communities like INSupport Community exist for exactly this reason, so we can navigate the hard days together, not in isolation. I am deeply passionate about the power of peer support and remind you that my door is always open to anyone seeking someone to connect with. I know how heavy this day can feel, and if you’re carrying that weight too, please know I see you, I understand, and I am here walking beside you.
